Sam the Mormon Feminist

So I'm a Mormon. As most people who read my blog know me, I'm sure that this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Disclaimer: I speak for no one but myself and the contents of this post are nothing more than my personal thoughts and opinions. There is a lot of information, thoughts, details and opinion not covered here (because I could write a thesis on the topic and it's almost midnight) but I would welcome personal discussion

Within my religion we follow as closely as possible the structure of the church as Jesus Christ first instituted it. This means that at the head of our church we have what we consider to be a living prophet who receives revelation from God, and helping to support and share his load are twelve other apostles. Worthy men are capable of holding the priesthood which allows them to give special blessings of guidance and healing, administer the sacrament, and serve in a number of leadership callings specific to the office of the priesthood. All aspects of the office of the priesthood are designed to serve others and no aspect of it can or should be manipulated or framed in a selfish way. Women support their fathers, husbands and brothers in their callings and as a whole in my experience, the office and ability of the priesthood serves to make men better because it requires them to give service selflessly. Which is totally awesome.

Of late there has been a great deal of turmoil and controversy within my church because a (relatively) small group of women have begun a movement petitioning the leadership of the church for the possibility of women to hold the priesthood. This is a somewhat revolutionary idea because a) there is little to no evidence for it in history or scripture b) the majority of women don't desire it and c) as of yet and to our knowledge their has been no revelation given to the leadership of the church (aka the prophet and his apostles) that this should happen. Further, as a matter of course, you don't tend to go around making demands of God. At least, that's not really been part of our culture.

Earlier this week the founder of the group was excommunicated. I won't get into the gory details or the obvious he said she said. As a matter of policy the church does not comment or make public these proceedings and so the perspective portrayed in the media is skewed since all pertinent information is only coming from one side. And having talked to many, many people about the issue it is clear that there are a number of perspectives and lenses through which to view the situation. And since this is my blog, I'm going to share mine. Lucky you :)

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the spirit that it brings into my life, I love the learning it provides, I love that it has the capacity to make me an infinitely better person. The gospel is, always has, and I believe always will be my home (and that is no small thing for a girl who has moved no less than 18 times). I know many people who believe our church to be true. I know many others who will tell you that the church is true, and sometimes the people aren't. But you know what? I don't believe either one to be true. In fact, I inwardly cringe when I hear either statement. For me, the gospel is always true but the church is nothing except for an imperfect framework administered by imperfect men who by and large do their very best, but who sometimes make mistakes. In fact, most of them that I know will be very candid about that fact. Even Dieter F. Uchtdorf clearly spelled that out in his October 2013 General Conference Address. So to summarize my opinions: gospel true church is not.

I believe myself to be a feminist. More than that, I believe myself to be a mormon feminist. And I know that there is plenty of room for me in the church and all that that entails. And as a feminist, there are (as I see it) many undeniable aspects of inequality within the church. Some are small, and some are bigger. Some are cultural, and some are doctrinal. Some I can brush under the rug, others I really struggle with. But as I see it, here was a women who saw these issues, found other like minded individuals, and formed a group with the intention of petitioning for a more equal space within the church. She did it in a much more vocal, and maybe even aggressive way than had been done before. I don't condone every action. But as for her cause, I want to shout from the sidelines "you go girl!" We need, oh how we are desperate for more women like her. Well behaved women rarely changed history. Even the scriptures aren't without women who petitioned the Lord for their cause and won. Zipporah petitioned for Moses's life to be saved. Asking the leaders of the church to ask the Lord the question is a brilliant and totally appropriate use of the church and its leadership to answer gospel questions.

All of that being said, I don't know that I'm convinced that ordaining women to the office of the priesthood is the answer. I'm all for equality but I also recognize that men and women have different strengths and weaknesses and I'm not sure that becoming more like men is the answer. I'm really not. But neither am I satisfied with the discourse or dialogue that the church has (or hasn't) had. And most of all I do not, cannot, and will not support the church's excommunication of Kate Kelly or John Dehlin and consider myself to be in vehement opposition to it.

I empathize deeply with so many of what the members of the Ordain Women movement stand for. I believe that by and large they are women earnestly seeking for answers in the best way that they know how. And I completely support them in that. Among many friends and acquaintances there seems to be a general hesitancy to talk about these issues for fear of drawing attention to a hot topic. Personally I'm ecstatic that these conversations are finally being held. Often I sense a culture of conformity among the members of the church which makes me uncomfortable (and sometimes even angry). As I have often said before; God created us in His image and as intelligent beings and we were designed to be curious and inquisitive. I don't think he would have it any other way, otherwise how else are we to learn? People are asking questions, really hard ones. They are looking for answers. In some cases, they've even identified a pattern and published it. Those are all actions I totally support.

In the end, my beliefs and testimony aren't founded on Kate Kelly and her desire to see women ordained, or on John Dehlin and his support of homosexuals, or even on the LDS church. It's founded on the gospel of Jesus Christ and so all of this controversy is really just fluff, at least as it relates to my testimony. I will continue to search for my answers, and I predict it will take a lifetime. To anyone else unsatisfied I would encourage you to do the same. I am a daughter of God. In His eyes I believe that I am equal. For today that's enough. For tomorrow...I'll let you know.

Two Years Young

I can hardly believe it, but my baby boy turned two years old today. I can't reconcile how so much has happened in those two years and I am so proud of the little man he's growing up to be. And so, to celebrate him, here is a letter to my small gentleman.

Adam baby
Today you turned two whole years old. Two whole years since you worked with me and gently, peacefully made your entrance into this world. You turned my whole world upside down and made me fall in love with you from the start and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can see you growing and developing into such a curious, intelligent, energetic and caring boy. Today you told me you loved my totally unprovoked.

Every day you seem to grow a little more in wisdom and learning. You're vocabulary is exploding, you listen so well, and you care about others. You still love Thomas dearly, but you've expanded that love to also include Mighty Machines (and there's nothing more cute than watching you sing along to the theme song) Caillou and Elmo. You love to help your daddy build sand castles, but you love wrecking them best of all. You will do almost anything for a treat and bananas tend to follow closely behind. You really are a little monkey.

You are my best buddy and I love being able to spend my time with you. You think about things, process them, and I can't wait to see the boy, and man that you will become. You are the best part of my world, sweet boy.

Love,
Mama

Still Alive

It's been awhile since my last post. But in all reality it's only because there hasn't been much of anything noteworthy to write about. We've had a few trips home, the snow has finally melted, but otherwise life and our routine keep us fairly occupied without too much excitement. I consider myself to be a bit of a storyteller (a family trait) and without a story...sometimes I feel at a loss.

Jim still really enjoys his job and seems to have struck an easy balance between his work and home life, for which I am grateful. We're all glad to have the articling year behind us and grateful to have landed in a place where Jim feels both appreciated and challenged.

Adam only seems to grow more handsome with each passing day. His talking skills are excellent and he tends to parrot whatever he hears us say. Needless to say, we're finding that we have to be very careful with our words. He hasn't yet realized where he fits into sentences and it always makes us laugh when we say "love you Adam" and we hear him say "love you Adam" right back. He has developed a deep and abiding love for all things junk food and sweets related, and will do just about anything for chocolate (see video above).

We love him to pieces and feel so lucky to have him in our lives. He's also getting more generous with his kisses which is a lovely perk. He loves to interact with other kids, especially any boy a year or two older than him. He thrives on the interaction and someday, if and when we are blessed with more children, we know that he'll make a wonderful brother. 

As for me, the process of defining myself outside of motherhood is a continual one. As lovely as Grande Prairie is, I confess that I find it challenging in ways that I didn't expect. I'm finding more and more that I miss urban centres and the culture, conversation, exchanges and variety they provide. That being said, I've come to love so many people here and I know that we are lucky. There will be a job interview next week, and another position I'm excited to apply for, and some courses in the fall that I'm looking forward to taking and brushing up my skills with. 

We leave for Hawaii later this month and we're pretty excited about spending quality time together with family in paradise.

Until then, we'll just try to keep looking cool in our sunglasses :)

Happy New Year I Guess

It feels like it's been too long since I last blogged, which can only mean it's time for an update.

We have moved in to the house! While it's giving us a run for our money (two basement floods in the span of a month) we can still say we love it. We're just telling ourselves that it's working out it's kinks on us now. At least, I really hope so. Adding photos is on my list of things to do but in all honesty I just haven't gotten there yet.

We went home for Christmas again this year and spent Christmas itself with Jim's family on the lower mainland and New Year's with mine on the island. It was wonderful to be with family and especially heartwarming to see Adam interact with his cousins. At the time he was the youngest in the family (not anymore thanks to baby Mea) and so he was a little hesitant at first. He quickly gained in confidence however and by the time we left was happily tackling his older cousins and jumping in whenever and wherever a wrestling match broke out.

New Years on the mountain was lovely, but much quieter this year with both my sister Becky and brother Logan away serving missions for our church. But being home always carries with it its own special brand of magic and it was a gift to spend time with those I love. Adam and his grandpa have their own special bond (poor Grandma, Grandpa seems to be his preferred grandparent). Here's a cute video of them doing their thing. Adam has recently become enamoured with pouring glasses of water down the sink. As evidenced below.

He also has a love affair with shoes and will attempt to wear anyone's but his own. Here he is as his charming self.

He is all boy. He loves to run, jump, play with trucks and watch Thomas the Tank Engine (otherwise known as Tub Tub). He gives kisses, has a wildly expanding vocabulary, and continues to grow and progress at a shocking and disturbing rate. His wildness is only matched by our equally wild love for him.

As lovely as it's been to be settling into our new digs, the last few months haven't been easy. In fact, I would even say that they've been decidedly UN easy. Even hard. Faith is a muscle that strengthens with practice and weakens without it. Of late I think I've become a little too comfortable and haven't practiced the muscle as much as I should and I'm finding cause now to use it again. It's an uncomfortable process, much like whipping an out of shape body into competitive shape. And yet, through the good and the bad there is an incredible comfort that comes in knowing that I am not alone. God and His son have not left me comfortless, even when I've been spitting angry with them. There is incredible comfort in knowing I am not alone and that there will always be a shoulder to lean on, whether or not I've earned it and whether or not I have all the answers.

Life is good though and we have much to be grateful for. I'm trying to find gratitude for all of the experiences, good and bad. I have a long way to go.

It's getting late so we'll wrap it up for now, but here's a highlights reel of the last few months.

We had our own mini Christmas before leaving to go home. Here was Adam testing out his new gift

Chilling with Uncle Seamus on the surfboard swing

Adam fell in love with his cousin Gabe and Gabe was so good with him. Here Gabe is teaching Adam how to colour, Adam couldn't get enough of it

He found his dad's swimming goggles and was being such a cute goof

He fell asleep on a short drive to walmart. I had to wake him up, he thought he would try and continue the nap in the cart

After church he was exhausted and fell asleep on the last minute of the drive home. Knowing he would sleep better with a little lunch we tried to wake him up and feed home some peanut butter on toast. He took two bites and then literally fell asleep mid bite

BIG NEWS

We have gone and done something incredibly grown up. Something we thought would happen way off in the future. Something expensive and frightening and exciting. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! We take possession November 15th. It's a beautiful little spot with three bedrooms upstairs (with a FULL master ensuite!) and vaulted ceilings, casual living room, and eat in kitchen (complete with dishwasher!). The house backs onto a fabulous playground and in the basement is a great little bachelor suite that we plan to supplement the mortgage. As insane as it sounds, with rent as ludicrously high as it is where we live, we will actually be paying slightly less to live there than we currently do in our tiny, run down 2 bedroom house.

More pictures to come when we're all moved in. I don't know that I've ever felt so grown up before!

We experienced our first real snow fall of the year today, almost a full month later than last year. I'm grateful to have had a month of real fall. Of course this warranted some adventuring in the snow and Adam loved it (except when we made him wear gloves. Once he realized how useful they were he acquiesced, but not till he had thrown a good tantrum first).

Also, Halloween proved to be a great success. It was also much more pleasant in +2 degree weather instead of last years -27. 

And lastly, this kid is a goof. As evidenced below. I guess he's got a tough pelvis?

All in all life is good right now and we're very grateful. Of late I've found myself reminiscing on the many homes I've had and the many people I've loved and I can't help but feel extraordinarily lucky. So to the many (or few!) friends who check up on this thing from time to time near and especially far,  know that I miss you and feel exceptionally fortunate to have known you. The only downside to having lived and loved so far and wide is having pieces of my heart scattered so thoroughly across the globe. But nonetheless, I'm so very grateful. 

Back in Business

Let's just pretend that July wasn't my last post. Keeping current is apparently not one of my many talents.

Truth be told though finding blog worthy topics combined with the time to actually write them is a bit of a juggling act. And while we've been enjoying ourselves nothing of particular excitement has really gone on.

Adam and I spent the better part of the month of August travelling to visit family, two weeks of which were combined with Jim. In late July Jim was OFFICIALLY called to the bar (that means he's now a real live lawyer). But otherwise we keep trucking along and enjoying ourselves. Bracing for the onslaught of winter which, mercifully, has yet to truly make itself manifest and for now we're enjoying a beautiful fall.

Last weekend was our church's semi-annual General Conference. It's a weekend where we get the opportunity to hear from our church leaders and they speak on a variety of pressing and poignant subjects. At the end I always leave feeling that my batteries have been charged and that I have the inner fortitude to confront the world for another six months. This Conference was wonderful in much the same way and there were many talks that spoke peace and comfort to my heart. You can find them at www.lds.org if you feel curious. But there was an underlying theme that I noticed, and couldn't help but feel conflicted about. After a dear friend asked me her thoughts on the conference, I realized my thoughts and feelings were beginning to take shape.

Anyone who has had the patience to keep a half hearted eye on this blog will know that since entering this role of mother I have not been spared my share of inner conflict. I think since becoming a mom I struggle with this sense of worldly inadequacy (ie I'm "just a mom") coupled with a general sense of unease at the thought of educational or career pursuits outside of the home (but what about my BABY???).

I love this last conference because in a lot of ways the sense I got was "it's ok to be home. It's ok to be a mom. You're not less of a person. You may not be making financial contributions but you're work is equally valuable". But by the same token, the whole conference I wanted to scream from every rooftop of every chapel and stake center "DON'T YOU DARE LIMIT ME!! I CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE!!!!".

While I appreciate the sense of peace and validation as a mother, my inner achiever still isn't truly satisfied. And I guess no one has all the answers. But it was comforting to be reassured that although the world at large might not view what I'm doing as particularly noteworthy, I am doing the most important work I can be. As for the rest...I'll keep you posted.

Oh and that Adam kid? Yeah, he's still adorable. Most recently he's discovered belly buttons. If he sees yours he will absolutely poke his finger in it and if you ask him to show you his, he gets the most adorable smirk as he slowly lifts his shirt. Who knew belly buttons were so interesting? We took some family photos on the last truly hot day of the year and I'm kind of in love with them. Enjoy the photographic update below.

Post thanksgiving fun

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. Generally speaking, a hard day. It did have it's moments of brightness, but definitely the icky rough kind of day that really has no business taking place on a weekend. Someone decided to scream for what will remain un undisclosed period of time last night (hint: it wasn't me or Jim, and I'm not disclosing it for fear that someone will judge me), so sleep was lacking and that never sets a good tone for the rest of the day. And it didn't get much better from there.

There were moments in the wee hours of last, and at various low points today when my son dared to not behave like his sweet darling self (dare I say he was even a brat. In public. Oh the shame!) where I felt like I was well on my way to failure. Part of me wanted to reach out to others and commiserate, but the rest of me wasn't ready for the inevitable advice that is almost sure to come from well meaning friends and acquaintances. That is something else I struggle with. We all do it, heck, I've done it, but WHY is it that EVERYONE feels that it's appropriate to tell you what your child needs/doesn't need/is doing wrong and how what they did is totally right, worked for them, and therefore will for everyone else too? If there's anything I've found to be absolute truth in parenting it is this: no one has a clue. There is evidence backing every claim. So can we all just grow up and admit that we don't know it all? Today was a day where I wasn't ready for those kind of conversations. I just needed someone to tell me that it's ok. Sometimes it's hard. And that even though it was a rotten day, that I am not yet a total and complete failure, even though it was beginning to feel like it. That I still have a long way to go before I hit bottom.

So, with my above rant and likely irrational feelings in mind I turned to the internet, or more specifically lds.org to see if I could find something to ease my troubled and tumultuous heart. And although I have seen it before I found exactly what I needed. I'm posting it below because I know it can and will touch the heart of any mother who has had a hard day.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/because-she-is-a-mother?lang=eng

And I was able to walk away. Someone thinks that I'm doing more than just ok. And at the end of today, that was enough.