Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Dreaded Phone Call

It happened today. The day I had been fearing for a year had finally come. My year was coming to a close and I knew that it was only a matter of time.

Work called.

And I was surprised at the flood of emotions that coursed through me at the end of that phone call. It didn't help that Adam has never been more charming than he was on that phone call. For anyone reading not from Canada, in the great white north a working woman is entitled to a year's worth of maternity leave from work, her employer is required to offer the job at the end of the year, or an equivalent one, and she receives 55% of her salary from employment insurance. All in all, not such a bad deal. Until you get to the end of that year.

See, here's the thing. I LOVE being a mom to my little boy. So much more than I ever thought I would. Yes, there are painful days, and yes, there are moments when I could easily pull my hair out, but it's also the most magical thing I've ever encountered. There is a tiny being, that I created, moving learning, experiencing and developing all on his own and I adore watching and teaching him. I didn't know that it was possible to be so attached to one little person, but I am. And I truly, truly love it.

And here lies the conflict. As much as I love being a mother, I was never a girl whose sole aspiration in life was to be a wife and raise children. Do I think it's the most important thing? Absolutely. Do I crave more? You bet. Sometimes it feels like the role of a women is so convoluted, and I struggle with it. I believe that as women we are almost inherently designed to sacrifice and devote our lives to our families. If we didn't, families wouldn't work, homes wouldn't function and children wouldn't be nurtured. It's part of our genetic makeup.

And yet...is there a line? Do I get a corner of my life to call my own? I crave more education, I yearn to be more qualified. I wish to be a mover, a shaker, to have a life recognized outside of the four walls of my own home. Is it wrong of me to want more? The lump I feel forming in the back of my throat tells me that I'm not ready to leave my little boy. Like, with anyone. But someday that little man will grow up and have a life of his own entirely separate from me. And what will happen then when my entire life has been dedicated to him? Something whispers that I need something for me.

I know that I can't have it all. But is this not the plight of motherhood? The mother in me can't stand to leave, but the successful, educated, respected woman I want to be says I need to be working on something new. And I have no idea how to reconcile the two.

Keep in mind that this complex is only exacerbated by my over achieving mother, who happens to be my hero. She took every night class offered for the better part of 10 years working on her MBA, and among my earliest memories was attending her graduation, two short weeks after the birth of her third child. I mean, come on. I was born to aim high. 

Of course I'm so grateful for the many choices I have. I haven't mentioned that I'm also considering attending nursing school. I know that I am so fortunate to have choice. But the consequences and cost benefits are so difficult to guage. The better part of me wants to be home with Adam and his future siblings. I adore that part of my life. But then I wonder if in 20 years I might wake up and wonder where my sense of self went when my life became my children's. And when faced with the noble options of work or school, or motherhood, in so many ways staying home feels like the easy thing to do. I love that my life is unscheduled and can consist on any given day of nothing but runs, naps, and parks. How awesome is that? But does choosing that over the difficult and rewarding resume building options of school and work make me cowardly?

If I have offended anyone patient enough to read this rant I do sincerely apologize. These are only my own person ramblings as I grapple with the woman I want to be. And advice is welcome :)

In other news Adam and I returned Sunday from the MOST glorious visit to see my dear friend Shale (Ame) on Kauai. Hawaii truly is paradise. I will spend my life trying to get back.

Pictures below :)

                                                            We went on a gorgeous hike

                                                         Disturbed that I caught him driving




Happy boy loved the beach!
                                                            Snorkeling at Poipu!
                                                       Shale and Adam got to be best buds
                                                        Beautiful Wailua Falls
                                                        Eating on the floor. It's how we roll!