Work called.
And I was surprised at the flood of emotions that coursed through me at the end of that phone call. It didn't help that Adam has never been more charming than he was on that phone call. For anyone reading not from Canada, in the great white north a working woman is entitled to a year's worth of maternity leave from work, her employer is required to offer the job at the end of the year, or an equivalent one, and she receives 55% of her salary from employment insurance. All in all, not such a bad deal. Until you get to the end of that year.
See, here's the thing. I LOVE being a mom to my little boy. So much more than I ever thought I would. Yes, there are painful days, and yes, there are moments when I could easily pull my hair out, but it's also the most magical thing I've ever encountered. There is a tiny being, that I created, moving learning, experiencing and developing all on his own and I adore watching and teaching him. I didn't know that it was possible to be so attached to one little person, but I am. And I truly, truly love it.
And here lies the conflict. As much as I love being a mother, I was never a girl whose sole aspiration in life was to be a wife and raise children. Do I think it's the most important thing? Absolutely. Do I crave more? You bet. Sometimes it feels like the role of a women is so convoluted, and I struggle with it. I believe that as women we are almost inherently designed to sacrifice and devote our lives to our families. If we didn't, families wouldn't work, homes wouldn't function and children wouldn't be nurtured. It's part of our genetic makeup.
And yet...is there a line? Do I get a corner of my life to call my own? I crave more education, I yearn to be more qualified. I wish to be a mover, a shaker, to have a life recognized outside of the four walls of my own home. Is it wrong of me to want more? The lump I feel forming in the back of my throat tells me that I'm not ready to leave my little boy. Like, with anyone. But someday that little man will grow up and have a life of his own entirely separate from me. And what will happen then when my entire life has been dedicated to him? Something whispers that I need something for me.
I know that I can't have it all. But is this not the plight of motherhood? The mother in me can't stand to leave, but the successful, educated, respected woman I want to be says I need to be working on something new. And I have no idea how to reconcile the two.
Keep in mind that this complex is only exacerbated by my over achieving mother, who happens to be my hero. She took every night class offered for the better part of 10 years working on her MBA, and among my earliest memories was attending her graduation, two short weeks after the birth of her third child. I mean, come on. I was born to aim high.
Of course I'm so grateful for the many choices I have. I haven't mentioned that I'm also considering attending nursing school. I know that I am so fortunate to have choice. But the consequences and cost benefits are so difficult to guage. The better part of me wants to be home with Adam and his future siblings. I adore that part of my life. But then I wonder if in 20 years I might wake up and wonder where my sense of self went when my life became my children's. And when faced with the noble options of work or school, or motherhood, in so many ways staying home feels like the easy thing to do. I love that my life is unscheduled and can consist on any given day of nothing but runs, naps, and parks. How awesome is that? But does choosing that over the difficult and rewarding resume building options of school and work make me cowardly?
If I have offended anyone patient enough to read this rant I do sincerely apologize. These are only my own person ramblings as I grapple with the woman I want to be. And advice is welcome :)
In other news Adam and I returned Sunday from the MOST glorious visit to see my dear friend Shale (Ame) on Kauai. Hawaii truly is paradise. I will spend my life trying to get back.
Pictures below :)
Happy boy loved the beach!
you are such an eloquent writer. i feel like i can talk that way but it never translates into writing. i felt as if i was having a conversation with you. i won't share my thoughts on this public page but will talk to you personally later. know that you are loved and thought of and missed. keep truckin' mama!!!! and give that baby a kiss from us!
ReplyDeleteI'm so bummed- I wrote a whole comment and it didn't work. I did it on my phone, too, so it took a while. Oh well. Now the short version. I think from our conversations about education and now reading your thoughts about working/mothering, it is clear in many ways you and I are kindred spirits. Too bad we didn't get a chance to become real friends back in our single days.
ReplyDeleteThese are my exact thoughts and feelings on the subject as well. And like you, I haven't reconciled an answer yet. Let me know if you find the magic solution.
I have to say that my thoughts echo yours exactly. I don't know how I will feel in 10 months about the ease of motherhood (right now a colicy baby more than makes the day fly by) but I really do feel that push to stay at home and the push to have a place to call my own- I am good at what I do in my career and I enjoy it- so rewarding (much like how I am sure you feel)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much- I could not have said it better- honestly- I'll probably get my hubby to read it because I cannot describe the feelings as well as that.
Good luck with your decision.
First, I am incredibly jealous of the full year of maternity leave you get. My 12 weeks was not even close to starting to be enough time...especially with twins and my hubby working out of town. After my 12 weeks, I went back to work "PRN" only working 3-5 shifts a month. It was hard to go back, mostly because it meant finding childcare for 12 hour night shifts, or sacrificing the very few nights I had with Devry, to go to work. I dreaded work. So I quit when we moved to Wyoming, and after Devry got a new job with much better hours, my thoughts really began to echo exactly what your post said. I COULD go back to work again. The more I contemplated it, the stronger my desire was to work. I found myself feeling guilty for wanting to, like it was selfish of me. It was a battle, but ultimately I realized that I am actually a better mom when I am working some. It sounds kinda backwards, but the reason is that I realized I missed missing my kids. There is something about getting a break from them, and having the opportunity to miss them that made me enjoy the time I was with them more. Being with them 24/7 without any type of outlet for myself was exhausting, overwhelming, and I felt like I was loosing myself to the role of "mom." So I started working again a few weeks ago. Only 2 nights a week. Enough, but not too much. Devry is home before I go to work, so I don't have to stress about finding childcare. Anyways, this has turned into a novel. I just wanted to say that I completely understand the feelings you are having, and I truly think it is a very personal decision, with the only "right" answer being the one you choose!
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