BIG NEWS

We have gone and done something incredibly grown up. Something we thought would happen way off in the future. Something expensive and frightening and exciting. WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! We take possession November 15th. It's a beautiful little spot with three bedrooms upstairs (with a FULL master ensuite!) and vaulted ceilings, casual living room, and eat in kitchen (complete with dishwasher!). The house backs onto a fabulous playground and in the basement is a great little bachelor suite that we plan to supplement the mortgage. As insane as it sounds, with rent as ludicrously high as it is where we live, we will actually be paying slightly less to live there than we currently do in our tiny, run down 2 bedroom house.

More pictures to come when we're all moved in. I don't know that I've ever felt so grown up before!

We experienced our first real snow fall of the year today, almost a full month later than last year. I'm grateful to have had a month of real fall. Of course this warranted some adventuring in the snow and Adam loved it (except when we made him wear gloves. Once he realized how useful they were he acquiesced, but not till he had thrown a good tantrum first).

Also, Halloween proved to be a great success. It was also much more pleasant in +2 degree weather instead of last years -27. 

And lastly, this kid is a goof. As evidenced below. I guess he's got a tough pelvis?

All in all life is good right now and we're very grateful. Of late I've found myself reminiscing on the many homes I've had and the many people I've loved and I can't help but feel extraordinarily lucky. So to the many (or few!) friends who check up on this thing from time to time near and especially far,  know that I miss you and feel exceptionally fortunate to have known you. The only downside to having lived and loved so far and wide is having pieces of my heart scattered so thoroughly across the globe. But nonetheless, I'm so very grateful. 

Back in Business

Let's just pretend that July wasn't my last post. Keeping current is apparently not one of my many talents.

Truth be told though finding blog worthy topics combined with the time to actually write them is a bit of a juggling act. And while we've been enjoying ourselves nothing of particular excitement has really gone on.

Adam and I spent the better part of the month of August travelling to visit family, two weeks of which were combined with Jim. In late July Jim was OFFICIALLY called to the bar (that means he's now a real live lawyer). But otherwise we keep trucking along and enjoying ourselves. Bracing for the onslaught of winter which, mercifully, has yet to truly make itself manifest and for now we're enjoying a beautiful fall.

Last weekend was our church's semi-annual General Conference. It's a weekend where we get the opportunity to hear from our church leaders and they speak on a variety of pressing and poignant subjects. At the end I always leave feeling that my batteries have been charged and that I have the inner fortitude to confront the world for another six months. This Conference was wonderful in much the same way and there were many talks that spoke peace and comfort to my heart. You can find them at www.lds.org if you feel curious. But there was an underlying theme that I noticed, and couldn't help but feel conflicted about. After a dear friend asked me her thoughts on the conference, I realized my thoughts and feelings were beginning to take shape.

Anyone who has had the patience to keep a half hearted eye on this blog will know that since entering this role of mother I have not been spared my share of inner conflict. I think since becoming a mom I struggle with this sense of worldly inadequacy (ie I'm "just a mom") coupled with a general sense of unease at the thought of educational or career pursuits outside of the home (but what about my BABY???).

I love this last conference because in a lot of ways the sense I got was "it's ok to be home. It's ok to be a mom. You're not less of a person. You may not be making financial contributions but you're work is equally valuable". But by the same token, the whole conference I wanted to scream from every rooftop of every chapel and stake center "DON'T YOU DARE LIMIT ME!! I CAN BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE!!!!".

While I appreciate the sense of peace and validation as a mother, my inner achiever still isn't truly satisfied. And I guess no one has all the answers. But it was comforting to be reassured that although the world at large might not view what I'm doing as particularly noteworthy, I am doing the most important work I can be. As for the rest...I'll keep you posted.

Oh and that Adam kid? Yeah, he's still adorable. Most recently he's discovered belly buttons. If he sees yours he will absolutely poke his finger in it and if you ask him to show you his, he gets the most adorable smirk as he slowly lifts his shirt. Who knew belly buttons were so interesting? We took some family photos on the last truly hot day of the year and I'm kind of in love with them. Enjoy the photographic update below.

Post thanksgiving fun

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of Those Days

Today was one of those days. Generally speaking, a hard day. It did have it's moments of brightness, but definitely the icky rough kind of day that really has no business taking place on a weekend. Someone decided to scream for what will remain un undisclosed period of time last night (hint: it wasn't me or Jim, and I'm not disclosing it for fear that someone will judge me), so sleep was lacking and that never sets a good tone for the rest of the day. And it didn't get much better from there.

There were moments in the wee hours of last, and at various low points today when my son dared to not behave like his sweet darling self (dare I say he was even a brat. In public. Oh the shame!) where I felt like I was well on my way to failure. Part of me wanted to reach out to others and commiserate, but the rest of me wasn't ready for the inevitable advice that is almost sure to come from well meaning friends and acquaintances. That is something else I struggle with. We all do it, heck, I've done it, but WHY is it that EVERYONE feels that it's appropriate to tell you what your child needs/doesn't need/is doing wrong and how what they did is totally right, worked for them, and therefore will for everyone else too? If there's anything I've found to be absolute truth in parenting it is this: no one has a clue. There is evidence backing every claim. So can we all just grow up and admit that we don't know it all? Today was a day where I wasn't ready for those kind of conversations. I just needed someone to tell me that it's ok. Sometimes it's hard. And that even though it was a rotten day, that I am not yet a total and complete failure, even though it was beginning to feel like it. That I still have a long way to go before I hit bottom.

So, with my above rant and likely irrational feelings in mind I turned to the internet, or more specifically lds.org to see if I could find something to ease my troubled and tumultuous heart. And although I have seen it before I found exactly what I needed. I'm posting it below because I know it can and will touch the heart of any mother who has had a hard day.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/because-she-is-a-mother?lang=eng

And I was able to walk away. Someone thinks that I'm doing more than just ok. And at the end of today, that was enough.

Where We're (I'm) At

Hello world! So after my last update, written in a torrent of emotion, uncertainty, and genuine soul searching, it only seemed appropriate to give you all un update. I received so many wonderful words and thoughts from so many friends and I'm so grateful for the advice and guidance received. I think I've come to a place where I feel comfortable and while I don't have it all figured out, or have all the answers, I'm satisfied that we are doing what is right for our family right now.

In the end I decided not to go back to work. As much as it was ideal if I wanted to, the position from what I could tell was really in flux and...I didn't want it badly enough. If I had then that would have been another story, but I didn't. On the education front I've opted not to go back to school today since nursing isn't what I really want to do, and while all education is good, I think I would rather save my time and efforts for a program that I'm really passionate about (midwifery, today at least), rather than doing something just because I can and it's available where I am.

A few nights ago while I was struggling with these decisions I couldn't sleep, which left a lot of time to ponder and think in the quiet of the night. And the conclusion that I reached was that I really want to be good at something. REALLY good at something. This might or might not ever happen. But, if I tried to be a really good mom, and a really good student, and a really good wife, knowing me, I think at this point in time I would feel stretched thin and not really good at anything. And as much as I know (and I do!) that I am not done with my education, this is a precious moment in time that I'll never get back and that it's ok to focus on my little one and my family. I remember that before I married Jim I felt this urgent need to use the time I had, unencumbered by family and husband to do SOMETHING really useful and impressive with my time because it would only get harder later. A few years later, I find myself fighting the same feelings to do something, ANYTHING important and impressive because I only have one child and it will only get more complicated and difficult later. But I've finally concluded that...this time is beyond precious, and already it's slipping through my fingers faster than sand in a timekeeper. Guilt is something I feel often enough, I don't want to feel any more of it when I'm laughing with my baby knowing there's an assignment or class that I could/should be working on. I have no aspirations to be a perfect mother. Goodness knows that we all know the impossibility of that lofty goal. But there's nothing more important, or that I want more to do right now, than focusing on my family, and I'm lucky enough to have the luxury of doing it, so I'm determined to drink it up while I can.

That being said, UVIC has an online Masters of Public Health I might try my hand at just because I'm not totally prepared to become obsolete to the workforce. But it's on the back burner for now.

Adam has figured out how to walk like a pro and loves it more than almost anything else. His culinary tastes remain wide and he seems to tend to prefer green thai curry to pork chops and potatoes (that's my boy!). He's babbling away and all of a sudden seems so much more intelligent! He knows how to communicate and is frustrated when he doesn't get his way. The other day we let him roam diaper free for a little while (slight redness) and before we knew it he was making that telltale grunt. Never ever did I think my knight in shining armour would prove to be a man who caught the log in his hand before it hit the carpet. I have NEVER been more proud of my husband. Seriously. Parenting is not for sissies.

Last week we spent a few days in Edmonton. We've been a number of times but only in the snowy winter and I must admit, I like it a lot more without the snow! Here's a selection of photo's from our Edmonton adventure.

The Dreaded Phone Call

It happened today. The day I had been fearing for a year had finally come. My year was coming to a close and I knew that it was only a matter of time.

Work called.

And I was surprised at the flood of emotions that coursed through me at the end of that phone call. It didn't help that Adam has never been more charming than he was on that phone call. For anyone reading not from Canada, in the great white north a working woman is entitled to a year's worth of maternity leave from work, her employer is required to offer the job at the end of the year, or an equivalent one, and she receives 55% of her salary from employment insurance. All in all, not such a bad deal. Until you get to the end of that year.

See, here's the thing. I LOVE being a mom to my little boy. So much more than I ever thought I would. Yes, there are painful days, and yes, there are moments when I could easily pull my hair out, but it's also the most magical thing I've ever encountered. There is a tiny being, that I created, moving learning, experiencing and developing all on his own and I adore watching and teaching him. I didn't know that it was possible to be so attached to one little person, but I am. And I truly, truly love it.

And here lies the conflict. As much as I love being a mother, I was never a girl whose sole aspiration in life was to be a wife and raise children. Do I think it's the most important thing? Absolutely. Do I crave more? You bet. Sometimes it feels like the role of a women is so convoluted, and I struggle with it. I believe that as women we are almost inherently designed to sacrifice and devote our lives to our families. If we didn't, families wouldn't work, homes wouldn't function and children wouldn't be nurtured. It's part of our genetic makeup.

And yet...is there a line? Do I get a corner of my life to call my own? I crave more education, I yearn to be more qualified. I wish to be a mover, a shaker, to have a life recognized outside of the four walls of my own home. Is it wrong of me to want more? The lump I feel forming in the back of my throat tells me that I'm not ready to leave my little boy. Like, with anyone. But someday that little man will grow up and have a life of his own entirely separate from me. And what will happen then when my entire life has been dedicated to him? Something whispers that I need something for me.

I know that I can't have it all. But is this not the plight of motherhood? The mother in me can't stand to leave, but the successful, educated, respected woman I want to be says I need to be working on something new. And I have no idea how to reconcile the two.

Keep in mind that this complex is only exacerbated by my over achieving mother, who happens to be my hero. She took every night class offered for the better part of 10 years working on her MBA, and among my earliest memories was attending her graduation, two short weeks after the birth of her third child. I mean, come on. I was born to aim high. 

Of course I'm so grateful for the many choices I have. I haven't mentioned that I'm also considering attending nursing school. I know that I am so fortunate to have choice. But the consequences and cost benefits are so difficult to guage. The better part of me wants to be home with Adam and his future siblings. I adore that part of my life. But then I wonder if in 20 years I might wake up and wonder where my sense of self went when my life became my children's. And when faced with the noble options of work or school, or motherhood, in so many ways staying home feels like the easy thing to do. I love that my life is unscheduled and can consist on any given day of nothing but runs, naps, and parks. How awesome is that? But does choosing that over the difficult and rewarding resume building options of school and work make me cowardly?

If I have offended anyone patient enough to read this rant I do sincerely apologize. These are only my own person ramblings as I grapple with the woman I want to be. And advice is welcome :)

In other news Adam and I returned Sunday from the MOST glorious visit to see my dear friend Shale (Ame) on Kauai. Hawaii truly is paradise. I will spend my life trying to get back.

Pictures below :)

                                                            We went on a gorgeous hike

                                                         Disturbed that I caught him driving

Happy boy loved the beach!

                                                            Snorkeling at Poipu!

                                                       Shale and Adam got to be best buds

                                                        Beautiful Wailua Falls

                                                        Eating on the floor. It's how we roll!

Ode to the Glory Days (Otherwise Known as a Selfish Post)

I have been feeling a little nostalgic of late.

As most of you readers know, there was once a time when I could call myself a rower. When being on the water was my drug of choice and I considered the man calluses on my hands as my precious, and hard fought battle scars. When I seized any opportunity to show off my biceps and jumped at the chance to arm wrestle. When my body was firm, and taught, a well oiled machine.

I first fell in love with the sport at 13. My parents had always been adamant that we participate in one sport and I had always detested that rule. I was a miserable soccer, softball, volleyball and basketball player and instead preferred spending my recesses and lunch hours pouring over books in the school library. Yes, I was that kid. Books were my thing. And then one day my middle school threw together a ramshackle group of kids and put them on the water. And I fell in love.

So in love that I chased the sport around the world. Wherever I lived, I rowed. From the age of 14 I was practicing at a minimum of 2 hours a day, six days a week, and I loved it. There was, and still is no magic that compares with flying fluidly on water under the power of your own steam. I trained and raced and learned and worked until by some miracle of happenstance, and work, and sweat, and prayers, I had a full-ride scholarship offer to the University of Washington in Seattle. Where hard work took on a whole new meaning.

Which leads me to the reason for making this post. Today I came across a video from one of my favorite races. When I was in University it was our season opener and it heralded the end of hellish winter training. And watching it, a flood of memories came back to me.

Since graduating, rowing and I have taken a break. After 9 years of intensive training to make it to the next level...there stopped being a next level. After being the last one cut from the u-23 national team I had to face the facts that my body couldn't get any taller, and losing ~25 lbs to make myself into a lightweight rower wasn't worth it to me. My passion for the sport remains fierce. But my will to wake up at 5:00 am to work my body to it's maximum conditioning with no real goal in sight had waned. Given our new location in Northern Alberta (where the sport isn't practiced at all) my hiatus has been extended.

But watching that video my mind and body ached to be on the water again. I yearned for that rush of adrenanline at the starting line. To feel that panic, wondering if the work you put in was enough to edge your bow ball ahead of your competitor's. To feel the rush of water under the boat as you and your teammates work and move in complete and total synchronization as you start high, settle into your base race pace, convince yourself that you are actually NOT dying through the third 500 m even though all signs point to imminent death, and then kick it into high gear for the last 500 m sprint to overtake your opponents and end the pain. To feel that lock on the water as you sit at the catch, prepped to put all of your body weight on the blade at the end of the oar. To hunt the finish line with precision and guts. And then to collapse at the end knowing that you had left it all on the water. I miss the family that is created by 8 women who give everything they have, and more to the cause of winning. Even know, 4 years after finishing when I smell cherry blossoms or the lake in the morning all I can think of is morning workouts and race days.

I miss feeling like my body is on the top of it's game and often I feel like a washed-up has been. I've traded my blisters, my quads, my biceps and my boat for a beautiful boy, diapers (cloth, no less!), late night feedings and warm sticky kisses. There are so many days where I ache to be that athlete again. But in the end, I wouldn't change a thing, and the lessons of athleticism have prepared me for motherhood better than anything else ever could have. I delivered an 8 lb 5 oz baby boy with virtually no drugs (ok I did use the gas for the last 3 contractions. And it was pointless) because I knew my body and I knew I was strong. The initial discomfort of nursing paled when compared to the extreme discomfort of rowing on raw and bloodied hands. And waking up at 5:20 6 days a week for a 6:00 am workout was a good warm up for the midnight feedings. Bonus is I actually get to go back to bed now.

Once, I was an elite athlete. Now, I'm a mother. And one day, I will look back and be nostalgic for this season of my life. But today, I miss making magic on water.

                                                          Juniors. Class day Champions 08

               Putting the leaf on my oar in Holland while training for the u-23 World Championships

                                                High School. Swiss championships 2005

                                               Race day. 2008 u-23 World Championships

Rough Days and Smiles

Oh it has been too long. The older he gets, the cuter he gets, and the more demanding he seems to become on my time. The less he also tends to sleep during the day. I'm not whining, but let's just say motherhood was never designed for the faint of heart.

Yesterday was one of those rough days. You know, the kind that one day you'll look back on and compare other rough days too. The kind you're grateful don't come along often.

Yesterday we had a death in the family. My youngest uncle on my fathers side passed away to cancer in his adopted home of Santiago, Chile. It was only diagnosed shortly after Christmas and after what looked like some improvements, he made a dramatic turn for the worse and passed away at home while my dad was in the air on his way to say goodbye. I know that death is at some point inevitable for all of  us. I know that Jacob was a good man who had lived a rich life. But it doesn't make saying goodbye easy and my heart breaks for the loss of a man who was called home to soon. He was the youngest of 6 and only 49. I keep thinking of my baby brother and if it were him. Even in 33 years, that would just never be ok. He's our baby brother.

So today, and likely for the next few days, our hearts are feeling heavy. But it's times like this that one can't help but search for comfort. And I find mine in the knowledge that families can be together forever, and as much as I still wish he were here, it takes the sting of death away. In our religion we believe that through certain sacred ordinances families can be sealed forever together. Both on earth, and in the next life. Here's a little illustration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0J-_f4oRuWI

But there's so much more to report than just the sad. There's a lot of good too. Winter in Northern Alberta seems to be allowing us a peak into spring, and it's lovely to feel even just a little bit of warmth. Next month I get to go home with baby Adam and see my family, and say goodbye to my sister who will be leaving on an 18 month mission for our church in Montreal. I've signed up for a half marathon in August that I'm really excited about, and there's good things to be seen and witnessed all around.

Adam remains the joy of our existence. He is learning and growing so very fast. I can't slow it down no matter how hard I try. He's so little and already I can see habits forming and parts of his personality emerging. How I wish and want so badly to know just how to teach him and mold him into being a good man. How to set boundaries, how to teach him to be resilient without being too tough, how to be compassionate without being a wimp, how to be decisive without being bossy, how to be gentle, and understanding, and loving. I know that this will prove to be the challenge of my lifetime. It's so terrifying to be responsible for this little spirit.

I realize this might be a heavier post than usual, but it's where I am today. Please enjoy the extravaganza of photos and videos below :)

Long Time Gone

For some reason I assumed that the longer I did this mom thing, that the better I'd get at it and the more time I'd have to do the things I wanted to do. I'm beginning to realize how wrong I was. The older he gets the more attention he seems to require (and the less he sleeps during the day), the less time I seem to have on my hands, and the more wiped I feel at the end of the day. Evidently my poor blog has suffered and to the tiny group of people who may sometimes in their most very bored moments read this: I apologize to you.

Where do I begin? Little Adam is now 7 months old and the older he gets, the more disturbed I become at how quickly he's growing and changing. Of course it's all wonderful but there's no time to enjoy any of it when he's flying by the milestones so quickly! Although just when I think he couldn't possibly get any cuter...he does. Let this video(s) posted below be your proof. 

That's right. My baby can dance Gagnam Style with the best of them.

We had a great Christmas. We spent time bouncing back and forth between my family on the island and Jim's family on the mainland and we had a wonderful time. Christmas morning came early when Adam decided 6:00am was a perfectly acceptable time to wake up and it being Christmas morning, I chose not to fight him.

Note the bleary eyed parents and the happy baby. I'm thinking we'll be seeing more of this in future years. It was wonderful to spend Christmas with my family, but Christmas was particularly magical this year because it snowed nonstop all day on the mountain. I mean, does it get any better than this??

Auntie Tina had also managed to somehow find Adam the CUTEST little antique toboggan. So naturally we took it out for a spin which morphed into the loveliest Christmas walk around the property.

New years was spent with Jim's family and Adam's cousins. We had such a great time with everyone.

Cousins! Also shout out to cloth diapers, do they get any cuter?!?!

In other news we continue to figure out how to best sleep. Our frequent displacements the last few months haven't done us any favors but Adam's still thriving so we'll go with it.

Today we had our third round of shots. I think he must have remembered the place from our last visit because he turned into a cranky screaming child not long after entering the clinic, and didn't stop until he got some time with his dad much later that night. The guilt I felt (and blogged about) after his first round hasn't improved either.

He's developing such a little personality and doesn't hesitate to makes his wishes known loud and clear. But he's also turning into such an adorable talker. If you're lucky, he'll even sing for you.

In any case, there's much more I'd like to blog about but this will have to bride the gap in the meantime. But we'll be back soon, promise!