An Extraordinary Life

Summer is drawing to a close, the leaves are doing that thing I dread every September, and the temperature, while still mild, is gradually creeping it's way lower and lower. My favourite season is officially on it's way out. That sadness voiced, it was a great summer full of lots of fun and more trips than were perhaps strictly necessary. Hawaii, Muskoka, Washington, Vancouver and Victoria all made the roster. Adam and I ventured solo on a 13 hr road trip home so that I could successfully complete my second half marathon. The little man proved an excellent travelling companion. We spent lots of time with wonderful family near and far and I am grateful to be able to afford such luxuries. There can be no doubt, it has been a good summer.

And yet despite the fact that I knowingly, freely, and gratefully acknowledge the wonderful life I live and the blessings availed to me it has been a difficult year. Redefining myself outside of motherhood without the title of athlete, or student, or employee is a challenge I still haven't put to bed. Things I expected to take place have not. And, while we have been fortunate to enjoy a number of trips both home to the coast and away, I have noticed that readjusting to life at home is an uncomfortable process each time.

I think sometimes, likely somewhere in the early teens as young girls we map out our lives. These plans often include post secondary education, travel, marriage, and children (who will arrive exactly  when and how we like them, thank you very much). My generation is a marvellous one. We were raised to believe ourselves capable of whatever we chose. Life was to be our own choose-your-own-adventure book. And what a gift that upbringing has been! But by the same token, it is so easy to choose...what's easy. To sink to the lowest common-denominator. To be less than extraordinary.

This past year I think I've been walking the latter path. Life far from family and in a place where I don't always fit the mould has meant more time on the computer doing nothing of particular value than I care to openly admit. But here's the thing: I don't want to be less than extraordinary. I don't want to accept anything less than the very best from myself. And so, I guess this entry is a kind of public commitment: I choose to be better. I choose to actively find ways to engage myself and my family in my community. I choose to listen, watch, and read (mostly) uplifting and edifying things that will make me smarter, better, and more useful to the world around me. I choose to find ways to serve wherever possible. I choose to structure my days in ways that minimize screen time and maximize learning and play. I choose to by small and manageable means to further my education. I choose to continue to hope for the things beyond my control that I  cannot yet fix. I choose to live my fairy tale. I choose to live my best life.

I choose my best self. The one God designed me to be.

Sam the Mormon Feminist

So I'm a Mormon. As most people who read my blog know me, I'm sure that this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Disclaimer: I speak for no one but myself and the contents of this post are nothing more than my personal thoughts and opinions. There is a lot of information, thoughts, details and opinion not covered here (because I could write a thesis on the topic and it's almost midnight) but I would welcome personal discussion

Within my religion we follow as closely as possible the structure of the church as Jesus Christ first instituted it. This means that at the head of our church we have what we consider to be a living prophet who receives revelation from God, and helping to support and share his load are twelve other apostles. Worthy men are capable of holding the priesthood which allows them to give special blessings of guidance and healing, administer the sacrament, and serve in a number of leadership callings specific to the office of the priesthood. All aspects of the office of the priesthood are designed to serve others and no aspect of it can or should be manipulated or framed in a selfish way. Women support their fathers, husbands and brothers in their callings and as a whole in my experience, the office and ability of the priesthood serves to make men better because it requires them to give service selflessly. Which is totally awesome.

Of late there has been a great deal of turmoil and controversy within my church because a (relatively) small group of women have begun a movement petitioning the leadership of the church for the possibility of women to hold the priesthood. This is a somewhat revolutionary idea because a) there is little to no evidence for it in history or scripture b) the majority of women don't desire it and c) as of yet and to our knowledge their has been no revelation given to the leadership of the church (aka the prophet and his apostles) that this should happen. Further, as a matter of course, you don't tend to go around making demands of God. At least, that's not really been part of our culture.

Earlier this week the founder of the group was excommunicated. I won't get into the gory details or the obvious he said she said. As a matter of policy the church does not comment or make public these proceedings and so the perspective portrayed in the media is skewed since all pertinent information is only coming from one side. And having talked to many, many people about the issue it is clear that there are a number of perspectives and lenses through which to view the situation. And since this is my blog, I'm going to share mine. Lucky you :)

I love the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love the spirit that it brings into my life, I love the learning it provides, I love that it has the capacity to make me an infinitely better person. The gospel is, always has, and I believe always will be my home (and that is no small thing for a girl who has moved no less than 18 times). I know many people who believe our church to be true. I know many others who will tell you that the church is true, and sometimes the people aren't. But you know what? I don't believe either one to be true. In fact, I inwardly cringe when I hear either statement. For me, the gospel is always true but the church is nothing except for an imperfect framework administered by imperfect men who by and large do their very best, but who sometimes make mistakes. In fact, most of them that I know will be very candid about that fact. Even Dieter F. Uchtdorf clearly spelled that out in his October 2013 General Conference Address. So to summarize my opinions: gospel true church is not.

I believe myself to be a feminist. More than that, I believe myself to be a mormon feminist. And I know that there is plenty of room for me in the church and all that that entails. And as a feminist, there are (as I see it) many undeniable aspects of inequality within the church. Some are small, and some are bigger. Some are cultural, and some are doctrinal. Some I can brush under the rug, others I really struggle with. But as I see it, here was a women who saw these issues, found other like minded individuals, and formed a group with the intention of petitioning for a more equal space within the church. She did it in a much more vocal, and maybe even aggressive way than had been done before. I don't condone every action. But as for her cause, I want to shout from the sidelines "you go girl!" We need, oh how we are desperate for more women like her. Well behaved women rarely changed history. Even the scriptures aren't without women who petitioned the Lord for their cause and won. Zipporah petitioned for Moses's life to be saved. Asking the leaders of the church to ask the Lord the question is a brilliant and totally appropriate use of the church and its leadership to answer gospel questions.

All of that being said, I don't know that I'm convinced that ordaining women to the office of the priesthood is the answer. I'm all for equality but I also recognize that men and women have different strengths and weaknesses and I'm not sure that becoming more like men is the answer. I'm really not. But neither am I satisfied with the discourse or dialogue that the church has (or hasn't) had. And most of all I do not, cannot, and will not support the church's excommunication of Kate Kelly or John Dehlin and consider myself to be in vehement opposition to it.

I empathize deeply with so many of what the members of the Ordain Women movement stand for. I believe that by and large they are women earnestly seeking for answers in the best way that they know how. And I completely support them in that. Among many friends and acquaintances there seems to be a general hesitancy to talk about these issues for fear of drawing attention to a hot topic. Personally I'm ecstatic that these conversations are finally being held. Often I sense a culture of conformity among the members of the church which makes me uncomfortable (and sometimes even angry). As I have often said before; God created us in His image and as intelligent beings and we were designed to be curious and inquisitive. I don't think he would have it any other way, otherwise how else are we to learn? People are asking questions, really hard ones. They are looking for answers. In some cases, they've even identified a pattern and published it. Those are all actions I totally support.

In the end, my beliefs and testimony aren't founded on Kate Kelly and her desire to see women ordained, or on John Dehlin and his support of homosexuals, or even on the LDS church. It's founded on the gospel of Jesus Christ and so all of this controversy is really just fluff, at least as it relates to my testimony. I will continue to search for my answers, and I predict it will take a lifetime. To anyone else unsatisfied I would encourage you to do the same. I am a daughter of God. In His eyes I believe that I am equal. For today that's enough. For tomorrow...I'll let you know.

Two Years Young

I can hardly believe it, but my baby boy turned two years old today. I can't reconcile how so much has happened in those two years and I am so proud of the little man he's growing up to be. And so, to celebrate him, here is a letter to my small gentleman.

Adam baby
Today you turned two whole years old. Two whole years since you worked with me and gently, peacefully made your entrance into this world. You turned my whole world upside down and made me fall in love with you from the start and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can see you growing and developing into such a curious, intelligent, energetic and caring boy. Today you told me you loved my totally unprovoked.

Every day you seem to grow a little more in wisdom and learning. You're vocabulary is exploding, you listen so well, and you care about others. You still love Thomas dearly, but you've expanded that love to also include Mighty Machines (and there's nothing more cute than watching you sing along to the theme song) Caillou and Elmo. You love to help your daddy build sand castles, but you love wrecking them best of all. You will do almost anything for a treat and bananas tend to follow closely behind. You really are a little monkey.

You are my best buddy and I love being able to spend my time with you. You think about things, process them, and I can't wait to see the boy, and man that you will become. You are the best part of my world, sweet boy.

Love,
Mama

Still Alive

It's been awhile since my last post. But in all reality it's only because there hasn't been much of anything noteworthy to write about. We've had a few trips home, the snow has finally melted, but otherwise life and our routine keep us fairly occupied without too much excitement. I consider myself to be a bit of a storyteller (a family trait) and without a story...sometimes I feel at a loss.

Jim still really enjoys his job and seems to have struck an easy balance between his work and home life, for which I am grateful. We're all glad to have the articling year behind us and grateful to have landed in a place where Jim feels both appreciated and challenged.

Adam only seems to grow more handsome with each passing day. His talking skills are excellent and he tends to parrot whatever he hears us say. Needless to say, we're finding that we have to be very careful with our words. He hasn't yet realized where he fits into sentences and it always makes us laugh when we say "love you Adam" and we hear him say "love you Adam" right back. He has developed a deep and abiding love for all things junk food and sweets related, and will do just about anything for chocolate (see video above).

We love him to pieces and feel so lucky to have him in our lives. He's also getting more generous with his kisses which is a lovely perk. He loves to interact with other kids, especially any boy a year or two older than him. He thrives on the interaction and someday, if and when we are blessed with more children, we know that he'll make a wonderful brother. 

As for me, the process of defining myself outside of motherhood is a continual one. As lovely as Grande Prairie is, I confess that I find it challenging in ways that I didn't expect. I'm finding more and more that I miss urban centres and the culture, conversation, exchanges and variety they provide. That being said, I've come to love so many people here and I know that we are lucky. There will be a job interview next week, and another position I'm excited to apply for, and some courses in the fall that I'm looking forward to taking and brushing up my skills with. 

We leave for Hawaii later this month and we're pretty excited about spending quality time together with family in paradise.

Until then, we'll just try to keep looking cool in our sunglasses :)

Happy New Year I Guess

It feels like it's been too long since I last blogged, which can only mean it's time for an update.

We have moved in to the house! While it's giving us a run for our money (two basement floods in the span of a month) we can still say we love it. We're just telling ourselves that it's working out it's kinks on us now. At least, I really hope so. Adding photos is on my list of things to do but in all honesty I just haven't gotten there yet.

We went home for Christmas again this year and spent Christmas itself with Jim's family on the lower mainland and New Year's with mine on the island. It was wonderful to be with family and especially heartwarming to see Adam interact with his cousins. At the time he was the youngest in the family (not anymore thanks to baby Mea) and so he was a little hesitant at first. He quickly gained in confidence however and by the time we left was happily tackling his older cousins and jumping in whenever and wherever a wrestling match broke out.

New Years on the mountain was lovely, but much quieter this year with both my sister Becky and brother Logan away serving missions for our church. But being home always carries with it its own special brand of magic and it was a gift to spend time with those I love. Adam and his grandpa have their own special bond (poor Grandma, Grandpa seems to be his preferred grandparent). Here's a cute video of them doing their thing. Adam has recently become enamoured with pouring glasses of water down the sink. As evidenced below.

He also has a love affair with shoes and will attempt to wear anyone's but his own. Here he is as his charming self.

He is all boy. He loves to run, jump, play with trucks and watch Thomas the Tank Engine (otherwise known as Tub Tub). He gives kisses, has a wildly expanding vocabulary, and continues to grow and progress at a shocking and disturbing rate. His wildness is only matched by our equally wild love for him.

As lovely as it's been to be settling into our new digs, the last few months haven't been easy. In fact, I would even say that they've been decidedly UN easy. Even hard. Faith is a muscle that strengthens with practice and weakens without it. Of late I think I've become a little too comfortable and haven't practiced the muscle as much as I should and I'm finding cause now to use it again. It's an uncomfortable process, much like whipping an out of shape body into competitive shape. And yet, through the good and the bad there is an incredible comfort that comes in knowing that I am not alone. God and His son have not left me comfortless, even when I've been spitting angry with them. There is incredible comfort in knowing I am not alone and that there will always be a shoulder to lean on, whether or not I've earned it and whether or not I have all the answers.

Life is good though and we have much to be grateful for. I'm trying to find gratitude for all of the experiences, good and bad. I have a long way to go.

It's getting late so we'll wrap it up for now, but here's a highlights reel of the last few months.

We had our own mini Christmas before leaving to go home. Here was Adam testing out his new gift

Chilling with Uncle Seamus on the surfboard swing

Adam fell in love with his cousin Gabe and Gabe was so good with him. Here Gabe is teaching Adam how to colour, Adam couldn't get enough of it

He found his dad's swimming goggles and was being such a cute goof

He fell asleep on a short drive to walmart. I had to wake him up, he thought he would try and continue the nap in the cart

After church he was exhausted and fell asleep on the last minute of the drive home. Knowing he would sleep better with a little lunch we tried to wake him up and feed home some peanut butter on toast. He took two bites and then literally fell asleep mid bite