Today was one of those days. Generally speaking, a hard day. It did have it's moments of brightness, but definitely the icky rough kind of day that really has no business taking place on a weekend. Someone decided to scream for what will remain un undisclosed period of time last night (hint: it wasn't me or Jim, and I'm not disclosing it for fear that someone will judge me), so sleep was lacking and that never sets a good tone for the rest of the day. And it didn't get much better from there.
There were moments in the wee hours of last, and at various low points today when my son dared to not behave like his sweet darling self (dare I say he was even a brat. In public. Oh the shame!) where I felt like I was well on my way to failure. Part of me wanted to reach out to others and commiserate, but the rest of me wasn't ready for the inevitable advice that is almost sure to come from well meaning friends and acquaintances. That is something else I struggle with. We all do it, heck, I've done it, but WHY is it that EVERYONE feels that it's appropriate to tell you what your child needs/doesn't need/is doing wrong and how what they did is totally right, worked for them, and therefore will for everyone else too? If there's anything I've found to be absolute truth in parenting it is this: no one has a clue. There is evidence backing every claim. So can we all just grow up and admit that we don't know it all? Today was a day where I wasn't ready for those kind of conversations. I just needed someone to tell me that it's ok. Sometimes it's hard. And that even though it was a rotten day, that I am not yet a total and complete failure, even though it was beginning to feel like it. That I still have a long way to go before I hit bottom.
So, with my above rant and likely irrational feelings in mind I turned to the internet, or more specifically lds.org to see if I could find something to ease my troubled and tumultuous heart. And although I have seen it before I found exactly what I needed. I'm posting it below because I know it can and will touch the heart of any mother who has had a hard day.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/because-she-is-a-mother?lang=eng
And I was able to walk away. Someone thinks that I'm doing more than just ok. And at the end of today, that was enough.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Where We're (I'm) At
Hello world! So after my last update, written in a torrent of emotion, uncertainty, and genuine soul searching, it only seemed appropriate to give you all un update. I received so many wonderful words and thoughts from so many friends and I'm so grateful for the advice and guidance received. I think I've come to a place where I feel comfortable and while I don't have it all figured out, or have all the answers, I'm satisfied that we are doing what is right for our family right now.
In the end I decided not to go back to work. As much as it was ideal if I wanted to, the position from what I could tell was really in flux and...I didn't want it badly enough. If I had then that would have been another story, but I didn't. On the education front I've opted not to go back to school today since nursing isn't what I really want to do, and while all education is good, I think I would rather save my time and efforts for a program that I'm really passionate about (midwifery, today at least), rather than doing something just because I can and it's available where I am.
A few nights ago while I was struggling with these decisions I couldn't sleep, which left a lot of time to ponder and think in the quiet of the night. And the conclusion that I reached was that I really want to be good at something. REALLY good at something. This might or might not ever happen. But, if I tried to be a really good mom, and a really good student, and a really good wife, knowing me, I think at this point in time I would feel stretched thin and not really good at anything. And as much as I know (and I do!) that I am not done with my education, this is a precious moment in time that I'll never get back and that it's ok to focus on my little one and my family. I remember that before I married Jim I felt this urgent need to use the time I had, unencumbered by family and husband to do SOMETHING really useful and impressive with my time because it would only get harder later. A few years later, I find myself fighting the same feelings to do something, ANYTHING important and impressive because I only have one child and it will only get more complicated and difficult later. But I've finally concluded that...this time is beyond precious, and already it's slipping through my fingers faster than sand in a timekeeper. Guilt is something I feel often enough, I don't want to feel any more of it when I'm laughing with my baby knowing there's an assignment or class that I could/should be working on. I have no aspirations to be a perfect mother. Goodness knows that we all know the impossibility of that lofty goal. But there's nothing more important, or that I want more to do right now, than focusing on my family, and I'm lucky enough to have the luxury of doing it, so I'm determined to drink it up while I can.
That being said, UVIC has an online Masters of Public Health I might try my hand at just because I'm not totally prepared to become obsolete to the workforce. But it's on the back burner for now.
Adam has figured out how to walk like a pro and loves it more than almost anything else. His culinary tastes remain wide and he seems to tend to prefer green thai curry to pork chops and potatoes (that's my boy!). He's babbling away and all of a sudden seems so much more intelligent! He knows how to communicate and is frustrated when he doesn't get his way. The other day we let him roam diaper free for a little while (slight redness) and before we knew it he was making that telltale grunt. Never ever did I think my knight in shining armour would prove to be a man who caught the log in his hand before it hit the carpet. I have NEVER been more proud of my husband. Seriously. Parenting is not for sissies.
Last week we spent a few days in Edmonton. We've been a number of times but only in the snowy winter and I must admit, I like it a lot more without the snow! Here's a selection of photo's from our Edmonton adventure.
In the end I decided not to go back to work. As much as it was ideal if I wanted to, the position from what I could tell was really in flux and...I didn't want it badly enough. If I had then that would have been another story, but I didn't. On the education front I've opted not to go back to school today since nursing isn't what I really want to do, and while all education is good, I think I would rather save my time and efforts for a program that I'm really passionate about (midwifery, today at least), rather than doing something just because I can and it's available where I am.
A few nights ago while I was struggling with these decisions I couldn't sleep, which left a lot of time to ponder and think in the quiet of the night. And the conclusion that I reached was that I really want to be good at something. REALLY good at something. This might or might not ever happen. But, if I tried to be a really good mom, and a really good student, and a really good wife, knowing me, I think at this point in time I would feel stretched thin and not really good at anything. And as much as I know (and I do!) that I am not done with my education, this is a precious moment in time that I'll never get back and that it's ok to focus on my little one and my family. I remember that before I married Jim I felt this urgent need to use the time I had, unencumbered by family and husband to do SOMETHING really useful and impressive with my time because it would only get harder later. A few years later, I find myself fighting the same feelings to do something, ANYTHING important and impressive because I only have one child and it will only get more complicated and difficult later. But I've finally concluded that...this time is beyond precious, and already it's slipping through my fingers faster than sand in a timekeeper. Guilt is something I feel often enough, I don't want to feel any more of it when I'm laughing with my baby knowing there's an assignment or class that I could/should be working on. I have no aspirations to be a perfect mother. Goodness knows that we all know the impossibility of that lofty goal. But there's nothing more important, or that I want more to do right now, than focusing on my family, and I'm lucky enough to have the luxury of doing it, so I'm determined to drink it up while I can.
That being said, UVIC has an online Masters of Public Health I might try my hand at just because I'm not totally prepared to become obsolete to the workforce. But it's on the back burner for now.
Adam has figured out how to walk like a pro and loves it more than almost anything else. His culinary tastes remain wide and he seems to tend to prefer green thai curry to pork chops and potatoes (that's my boy!). He's babbling away and all of a sudden seems so much more intelligent! He knows how to communicate and is frustrated when he doesn't get his way. The other day we let him roam diaper free for a little while (slight redness) and before we knew it he was making that telltale grunt. Never ever did I think my knight in shining armour would prove to be a man who caught the log in his hand before it hit the carpet. I have NEVER been more proud of my husband. Seriously. Parenting is not for sissies.
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