Home

Home. It's a concept that I've referenced in various ways at various times here before. As a child of a naval officer we moved frequently, and as such, home tends to be a fairly fluid concept for me. I have lived and loved in many places, and I hope to live and love in many more. As I type I have the computer set up on top of my suitcase that soon needs to be packed for our journey home from visiting family in BC. From one home to another. Home.

I haven't exactly been secret about my struggles of late. Be they in regards to motherhood or disciplehood, or as a member of the LDS church. Secrets and I haven't ever really gotten along. My husband likes to joke that I would make the worlds worst spy (and he's right). I tend to live my life fairly openly and this blog has proved a safe and creative form of expression for me, for which I'm grateful.

This morning we attended church with my sister and brother-in-law and their family. And the choir sang a number that I have heard before, but for some reason pierced my heart especially today. The lyrics are as follows.

My shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways
And leads me, for His mercy's sake
In paths of truth and grace.

When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of thy supporting breath,
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come.
No more a stranger or a guest,
But like a child at home.

The last two lines of the song are repeated amid swelling voices and music, and the effect is quite striking. But almost more than the music (and the music IS stunning. Seriously. Go youtube it now!) the words hit me. In my last post I mentioned repeatedly (more than I think I meant to. Maybe I need to work on my editing. Or just not post so late at night?) how much I find a home in the gospel. That is absolutely true for me. And I love it. I want for my relationship with my Savior to be more important than anything else. One of the speakers today referenced John 21 where Christ returns after His resurrection to find the apostles fishing. Which they likely were doing because...well...what else were they to do? Christ was gone and fishing had been their profession. I'm sure I would have done the same thing. They fish all night and they catch nothing. A man comes and tells them to cast their nets on the other side and they catch, literally, more than they can handle. It's at that moment that Peter recognizes the Lord, and he's so excited he literally can't contain himself, and so he jumps from the boat to swim to shore. Sometimes I wonder. If it were me, would I be afraid? That I hadn't done or been enough? I yearn to be like Peter. To be so overcome with my excitement that I can't wait another second to embrace my Lord and Savior.

I don't always feel at home at or in the church. And I'm pretty ok with that. I don't lose sleep over it. Luckily, it's not a requirement for membership. I sometimes think that I stick out like a sore thumb for my at times outspoken opinions. Sometimes I feel less put together than my counterparts (what other 28 year old mormon woman do you know that can't figure out a curling iron to save her life, has never used eyeliner, and doesn't own hairspray. I am a rare and lazy breed). But especially lately I feel less at home when it comes to hot button issues like women and the priesthood, or the church's treatment and association with gay people that I love. And I have struggled as I have watched many friends and acquaintances, who I love and respect, leave because they feel thay they can no longer make or feel a home in the church.

As I heard that beautiful hymn sung I held my baby and wept. Because I realized that where many issues are concerned, I DO feel like a stranger and a guest. I don't freely support the policies and many aspects don't sit well with me. There is much to learn and discuss, and believe me when I say that I am....but outright, immediate support and acceptance has not been my reaction. I have never been a detail oriented person. Mercifully my husband is and so he compliments me well in that arena. But...if I can be like Peter, if I can feel like a child at home in my Savior, if I can unabashedly run into His arms like my three year old son does when his dad returns home from work, I don't feel like I'm lacking. I can put the rest aside and breathe until an increase in knowledge and understanding comes. Because with my Saviour, with my brother, I can feel at home. And if I can do that, then what else matters? If I am making and keeping my covenants, if my home is in Him, and in the gospel, I think, I hope, I pray, that that can be enough.

I want to make it my mission to help others find that same home, because the rest? I think it's just noise. And I don't want to focus on it. As much as possible, I don't want the noise to keep me up at night. Home is a fluid concept for me. But I want my primary home to be in my Saviour. And I want to invite as many other people over as I can. I'm not much good at it. But here's to hoping I can turn this weakness into a strength.